After that, I had to see a second surgeon for a “spot” on my breast. Now I’m waiting for the second surgery.
My odds are very favorable, but I have to wait until after the surgery to be absolutely sure.
My life now will always include cancer. I will have to be tested regularly. I am both a cervical cancer survivor, and am also now considered at high risk for breast cancer.
It’s hard to describe how jarring this has been to my state of mind. I have experienced what can best be described as repeated adrenaline rushes, along with tension in my body. My thoughts have ranged from: “This isn’t really happening.” “This isn’t such a big deal.” (Both denial.) To: “Cancer. This is happening. It’s happening to me.” (Not denial.)
It is hard. It is really hard. But, it could be worse. I know I have the choice of how to use my mind, my thoughts, and my attention.
I’m very, very grateful that I was a meditator long before all this happened. I have been able to sit back and witness the shifts between various states of mind, various emotions, then draw my awareness to my breath, and release the tension.
The truth is, in this moment I am just here. I’m with myself in every moment, and I am good company. In this very moment, I can go inside, and let go of whatever emotion is running through me.
It is simple. It is not simplistic. It is not easy. I am going to write more posts on this process. About 40% of people in the U.S. have cancer. We are not alone. We can talk about it.
If you want to learn to meditate, go to my welcome page to download my free meditation. janbidwell.com