Waiting sucks. Waiting for a friend who is late is annoying. Waiting to hear if your life is being threatened by cancer is indescribably horrible.
I can pretty it up and talk all spiritual, but it is really hard to wait to see if you have cancer.
When I was waiting for the results of the cervical cancer surgery, I felt very confident that the cancer would be contained and removed completely. When I got the news that the cancer is gone, I burst into tears. My conscious mind was sure, some other part of me was not at all sure.
Now I am waiting to have surgery on my breast. I will have to wait 10 days after that surgery to find out if I have cancer. Again.
What I keep coming back to is the fact that there is nothing I can do until I have an answer. No matter how favorable my odds are (and my odds are, mercifully, very good odds) I won’t know until I know.
When I get the results there are about 20 impending things that require me to take action. But I can literally not make a decision, or take an action, until I know if I have cancer.
So, I mindfully witness my thoughts and interrupt scary stories. I do a quick body scan and release tension. I cry when I need to cry. I feel anger when that arises. I talk to friends and family. I talk to the oncology social worker. I practice playing bass.
I meditate. I sit still, I focus on my breath, and I let everything shake through me. When I am not entranced by the scary stories, I can just drop into that stillness, moment to moment. Just a smidgen of that changes everything.
When I meditate I am not waiting. I am sitting.